Behind those eyes
by SoBlase
Summary: "And it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time." The one thing that has been going right is going wrong. - AU
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Behind those eyes**

**Author: SoBlasé**

**Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. If they were, Santana and Brittany would've been a couple from the beginning. The words that would start off each chapter are lyrics from Death cab for Cutie's song "What sarah said".**

**Author's Note: I'm new to this whole fanfiction writing thing so I hope you'll be kind. This would have around 5-6 chapters and I sort of know where this is going so updates should be frequent enough. Words in italics are flashbacks. Feedbacks would be wonderful. =)**

* * *

_And it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time._

Chains. It feels as if I'm walking with chains attached to both of my feet. Each step is getting heavier than the other. I carry on to my destination, doing nothing to quicken my slow pace. My eyes are looking straight ahead, completely oblivious to my surroundings. I'm feeling numb. I don't feel anything... Except fear.

* * *

"_Hey, is that seat taken?"_

_I look up to see her looking at me with those hopeful eyes. The class turns silent for awhile, looking at the new girl with curiosity. "She probably has a death wish" they say. _

_I find myself powerless to say no._

_Powerless. Now that is a feeling new to me. I'm supposed to be badass for crying out loud. I don't do powerless. But I say yes anyway and when I received a smile for my efforts, I think that it was all worth it. _

_The teacher walks in and everyone's attention is finally taken off of me. I stared down at my table and contemplated on which part I should vandalize next, when a paper slowly creeps into view._

Brittany

_I look at her and she gives me that smile before turning her attention back to the board. I'm starting to like that smile. That smile is really nice. I think that… that… That it could end wars. It could. Really. It calms me and that's saying something. _

"_Miss Lopez, maybe if you paid more attention to my class, you wouldn't be failing it". The teacher has caught me staring. I look back down on my heavily vandalized table and I feel everyone's eyes on me. The teacher continues her lesson and I don't look up anymore._

_When the bell rings, signaling the end of class, I 'm the first one to get up and leave. _

_But not before I hand her back her paper. _

Brittany

Santana

* * *

_I don't fear anything. Well, except for Barney the purple dinosaur. Kids could do without that thing hugging them. Seriously. It's just wrong. I'm used to people fearing me. Everyone stays clear of me in this godforsaken school. I've built up a reputation of being untouchable and I like it that way._

_The closest thing I have to a friend is Quinn and that is only cos she and I have been neighbors since young. We don't talk much in school. With her being the head cheerleader of the cheerios, it's virtually impossible for a nobody like me to get close to her. Not that I would want to. I wouldn't want to be caught within a 5m range of her cheerbitch friends who are not exactly very fond of me. I might catch herpes or something. _

_So when the new girl Brittany first sat beside me in the cafeteria, I couldn't help but choke on my sandwich a bit. I wanted to tell her that exchanging names did not mean that we were friends. _

_But, like how I'm slowly but surely finding out, her smile disarms me and, again, I couldn't bear to chase her away. I smile back at her; at least I think it's a smile. The last time I smiled at someone, the poor kid ran to his mother saying that I was a big meanie._

_So that was our arrangement. Come lunch time, you would sit beside me. At first, it was just a smile shared between us. Then she started asking me how my day was - small talk, but it somehow meant the world to me. It wasn't long before we were actually having proper conversations. _

_It was scary and at the same time exciting to be talking to Brittany. I actually enjoyed it. Lunch quickly became the highlight of my day. My classes with her came in a close second. I no longer dragged myself to school each day and I'm pretty sure the entire school population has been buzzing with the news that I'm less of a bitch than before. _

_I was contented with the arrangement we had, but I had this nagging feeling that this was only the beginning. _


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I should warn you guys that there will be a character death. This may be slow moving/draggy but it will get better. **

_

* * *

_

_I've already taken too much today._

Fear. It is slowly overtaking me. Body and soul. It only escalates as I am ushered into a room by seemingly invincible hands. The light is somewhat dimmer here. It suits the atmosphere. I look around to see familiar faces, with no familiar emotions. There is none of the familiar laughter and noise I'm accustomed to. I can literally smell and taste the fear and tension. No words are spoken as I step further into the room.

* * *

_Is it possible to know someone without knowing them at all? I know it don't make sense, but that's what I feel around Brittany. We have this connection that I have never felt before. Not with Quinn and definitely not with my parents. You see, I grew up without having my parents around. They left me to the servants. They were always too busy working. Their excuse? They were busy providing me with the life they never had. Well I would have rather lived in poverty and felt their love than to never feel it at all. I grew up listening to empty promises and crushed hopes. I ended up hating every holiday there is on the calendar. Because with every present I open, I know that it was never thoughtfully picked by them and with every card I read, the written words are words they never mean; it meant nothing to me._

_So I closed myself to anyone from a young age; not letting anyone in. Until now._

_There was something different about Brittany. The way she moves, the way she talks and the way she makes people feel. How she makes me feel. The whole school has been buzzing with excitement over the new girl who was nice, friendly and above all, freaking hot. Everyone wanted her to be part of their crowd and I don't blame them. _

_The cheerios tried to claim her. More like their head coach Sue Sylvester tried to scare her into joining her robotic bunch. I was convinced that that would be the end of our friendship because, seriously, who can resist the promise of placing 1__st__ at Nationals every year plus a full scholarship to any college you want? Not to mention all the mini privileges that Sue has been known to give her Cheerios. Joining the Cheerios would catapult her to the top of the social ladder. Which would also mean leaving me at the bottom._

_When she told me that she didn't accept Sue's offer, I choked on my sandwich again in shock._

_I asked her why. She just shrugged and blushed as she said "I didn't like the stuff they say about you. They're mean to you and I don't like people who are mean to my friend". _

_Friend. I'm someone's friend. Those words may not mean much to many, but to me it meant the world to hear._

_Days turned into weeks and weeks gradually turned into months. The Brittany wave soon died down and people stopped trying to figure out what possessed her to hang out with me. _

"_I want to join glee club" _

_I stare at her._

"_I want to dance. And Rachel from our class said that they needed a dancer and I can dan…" She rambles on. She didn't have to explain. I would have said yes in a heartbeat. _

* * *

_I never really fitted anywhere in this school. I'm no jock and I'm pretty sure I'm no geek either. When we first entered the choir room for our first session, I received weird stares from the members. I knew some of them from my classes, some by their reputation. I was surprised to see Finn, Noah, Matt and Mike in the room. They were much respected football players. I never knew why they were respected. They never won any games. Artie, Tina, Mercedes, Kurt and Rachel were from my various classes. _

_Rehearsals weren't so bad, although I knew that they were very wary of me. This is obviously not my kind of thing, but for Brittany I would soldier on. If she's happy here, then I would try to be as well._

* * *

"_We won San! We won!" I would never admit it to anyone, but this has got to be the happiest moment in my life. This past year in Glee Club has been surprisingly fun. The most fun I've ever had. I've finally found somewhere to fit in. We're not all BFFs, but at least I can call them my friends. To top it off, we had just won Nationals. The road here was tough, but I think that it is all worth it in the end. _

"_Aren't you happy?" B shouts over the noise in the dressing room. _

"_Yes I am." I said with a smile. Because all that I needed was right here - In the form of Brittany. I smile not cos we won, but because her smile is infectious and it's just hard not to smile when Brittany is around. People started to clear the room and I'm left alone with her. _

_As I look at her jumping around and dancing, I can't help but think that she has changed my life and I wouldn't know what to do without her. She has become my best friend. My soul mate…_

_Soulmate? Where did that come from? Do I like this girl in that way? I've never felt anything like this for anyone before. All I know is that… I love her. _

_She has stopped jumping now. She's asking me what's wrong. I don't know how to tell her what's on my mind. So I did the only thing that made sense to me at that moment._

_I kissed her._

"_I think I'm in love with you B"._

_The silence that follows is deafening._


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Sorry this took so long. work got in the way.

* * *

_And I look around at all the eyes on the ground._

_As the T.V. entertains itself._

No one is talking. No one is offering comfort. Everyone is either too busy replaying memories in their minds or saying quiet prayers. There would have been a deafening silence if it wasn't for the T.V showing a "friends" rerun. Whatever is felt in the reel world, with all the laughters, jokes and what-have-yous, is deeply in contrast to what's felt outside. In this room.

* * *

_I haven't seen her for 4 days._

_I haven't seen her since she walked out of the dressing room, away from me._

_I don't know how she gets to skip school without the teachers getting worried. I want to ask them, but I don't. It's killing me inside but I don't show it. At least I tried to hide how depressed I was. I'm apparently not good at hiding my emotions because the Glee members have took turns trying to cheer me up. Even Noah, who wants me to call him Puck, tried to offer encouragement by rubbing my back awkwardly, but it didn't work. Only one person could cheer me up and said person was determine to avoid me at all cost._

_I knew I shouldn't have kissed her. I didn't know what I was thinking. She isn't gay. Hell, neither am I! At least I think so._

_Think. I haven't been thinking lately. At least not sensibly._

_I can't text her because I don't have a mobile phone. Never found a need for one since I didn't have any friends. I wanted to call her, but I had no idea what to say._

_What can I say?_

_Sorry I kissed you?_

_Can we just pretend that it never happened?_

_Why don't you like me?_

_The last question was probably a bit too desperate and I don't want to come across as desperate even though I am desperate. I'm rambling and that's not a good sign._

* * *

_I have been sitting outside her house for about an hour now waiting. No one seems to be home but I didn't want to wait another day to talk to her so I waited._

_I waited for nearly 2 hours before I see her parent's car pull into the driveway. She stepped out and at first she doesn't notice me. When she did, she stopped dead in her tracks. I stared at her and she stared at me. She snapped out of her trance and started walking towards me. She gave me a tight lipped smile and introduced me to her parents._

_"Oh! Is this Santana darling? How nice to finally meet you dear". Her mom said as she hugged me. "Come in. We're glad you came. Brittany doesn't usually have friends coming over to visit."_

* * *

_"I'm sorry.."_

_We're in her room now. She's sitting on her bed, hands by her side with a sad look on her face. I sat on her desk which was by the door, getting ready to bolt if I had to._

_"What? No… I should be the one saying sorry Brit. I'm sorry I did what I did so suddenly. It's just that… I… I don't know B. At that moment, I was feeling so happy. I was happy that we won and more importantly, I was happy that you were happy. You looked so beautiful then. Dancing around and giving that smile seemed to erase everyone's problems away. I just had to kiss you"._

_Ugh. I didn't make sense. But who can make sense of this overwhelming feeling called love? It's just something that blows us away; leaving us dizzy and speechless. Love makes you feel as if you're on cloud nine. For me, love came in the form of Brittany. She makes me feel like I'm in heaven._

_"When you sat beside me that day in English class, I felt something. And all this while that we've been friends, that feeling just grew. And… As much as it has been confusing the hell out of me, I'm sure that… that this feeling that I have. It's love. I think I'm in love with you B"_

_She's not looking at me now. She's shaking her head and looks up at the ceiling trying not to cry._

_"You cannot love me San. You cannot fall in love with me. We can't do this."_

_I was supposed to be ready for this. In the four days she disappeared, I tried my best to ready myself from the rejection I knew might happen. I thought that it wouldn't hurt as much, but I was wrong. The rejection still stung like a bitch._

_"Can… Can I ask why? Is it because I'm a girl? Or cos…I'm a nobody? Is it that difficult to love me?"_

_Silence followed my question. I've never felt more defeated in my whole life. I start to feel the tears well up in my eyes. I fought hard to hold it back. I have never cried over something in my whole life. And I didn't want to start now._

_"You know what, it's cool. You're right. We don't have to this. We'll just pretend that it never happened. Can we just go back to being friends? Please? I missed you"._

_"I missed you too San. So bad."_

_Tears are now creating a path down my cheeks as she looks at me. I should be happy that she missed me, but it just made the knife in my heart twist in a little deeper._

_"So let's go back to normal." I said as I wiped away my tears. "Like I said, we'll pretend this never happened and if you need space, I will give you space cos, god knows I need to sort myself out as well."_

_"Is that what you want?"_

_"No… Yes. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore when it comes to you. All I know is that when I'm with you, I feel that I matter. I feel loved and I've never felt that before. I actually feel alive when I'm with you. It's hard to explain really. But… but as much as it pains me to say this… if you don't feel that way then I understand. I would be fine with just being friends."_

_It would take time to learn how to love her as a friend and nothing more, but for Brittany I will try._

_"I'm not who I seem to be Santana. I'm not perfect"_

_"No one's perfect B. Hell I'm not perfect. I have my own issues and…"_

_"No no. You don't understand San. I'm not like other people"._

_She stood up and started walking around in a frustrated manner. I gave her a confused look. I wasn't sure where this was going, but I had a feeling that it was going to be bad._

_"Everything's so confusing now… Everything is just going wrong! I'm a mess San..."_

_She walked towards me and grabbed my hand. It sends shivers down my spine and I fought the urge to kiss her right there and then._

_"I won't be able to make you happy all the time. I'm not going to be around much longer…"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_She's crying now. Her voice breaks as she said…_

_"I'm dying San… I'm dying."_


End file.
